Oh! The Woes of Living

I went to the post office the other day and to my delight, there was a package with my name on it. I brought it home, opened it up and started pulling things out one by one, that is, until I came across a photo album... I picked it up, sat down and gazed it's contents twice over before continuing my search through all the wondrous treasures that were sent to me. As the day went on, my heart grew heavier and heavier, until I finally laid down in my bed and cried as I have not done in years. At first I could not understand what my problem was, then it hit me... Looking through that photo album I saw all the things I'd missed by coming here, birthday parties and babies. The children I adore so much are growing up, getting bigger and smarter and I'm missing it. At that moment, the only thing I wanted to do was to go home. But that wasn't an option, besides, nothing about doing so sat right with me. So what do I do? I pick up the album once more and sob over each and every page, I get to the last page, still sobbing and then I smile... I smile because I realize the root cause of all this pain... it's love!!! I don't close the book, I leave it open to the last page, set it aside and fall asleep. When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I saw was that last page. I picked it up, smiled at it again and then I closed it. I walked through my morning thinking about all the people in the photo album. My heart was still heavy, but the load had lightened considerably and now there was some perspective to its existence which made it a pleasant burden to bear. I know my bouts of depression well enough to know that this is a crucial day. If I do nothing but sit around all day and wallow in my thoughts, the depression will strengthen and then consume me relentlessly for weeks. Instead, I write a crappy little poem, just to acknowledge my feelings, and then I spend the next few hours putting the finishing touches on the christmas ornaments I had cross stitched so that I could decorate the tree that was also sent to me. When I finish, I'm satisfied with the results, just as I know that 10 years from now I will be satisfied with my decision to come here and challenge myself to grow in unimaginable ways.

As for that crappy little poem I wrote, it goes something like this:

They say I should have visions of sugar plums in my head, but instead my head is filled with visions of you when I go to bed.
I love each and every one of you, not because you are my family or because I'm supposed to, but because doing so fills my heart with joy and peace. Your memories bring the sweetest song to my heart, and today, I will sing a song of love for you, knowing that this time next year I will be in your presence.

P.S. Thank you Amy for inspiring me to write something today.