One thing about hitting rock bottom is that there's nowhere to go but up. And up is where I'm headed. Before coming here just over a year ago, I thought I had things figured out. I knew the purest love that can be found on this earth and I could enjoy just being in the presence of the ones' that truly loved me, people that have seen my very worst and still love me more than words could say. I felt an inner peace and a joy that filled my heart so much that I thought I would burst from the inside out. While my feet were planted firmly on the ground, my soul could soar through the heavens to enjoy a better look at this wondrous world. But since coming here, everything changed. Nothing made sense to me anymore and while my mind was trying to figure everything out once again, I lost track of myself. Where once I soared through the sky, I now found myself complaining about anything and everything. The inner peace and joy I once felt so intensely turned into resentment so consuming that I thought I might implode at any moment. I was lost in a sea of negativity and found myself hopeless to rediscover the sea of tranquility that I once aimlessly floated down. There was a deep needing be somebody extraordinary, somebody that could and would leave a lasting impact in this strange new place I've found myself in. I must make the bad go away and replace it with something good that will last forever. That's my mission, right? Well, that certainly is a pompous mission isn't it? Constantly evaluating good and bad; searching for something so bad that it needs to be eliminated from this earth, by ME!? No wonder I can't find inner peace. I've lost myself in my need to find my superior self so that I might accomplish the mission for which I've traveled halfway around the world. Well, I quit that mission!!!!!!!! I am superior to no one. And no more feeling resentment for things I can't possibly understand in an attempt to "change" them, what!? From this point on, I just want to BE in this world, to solve problems as they arise rather than seeking out problems that or may not even exist. Since when am I the authority on right and wrong, good and bad? I know as much as the next person about where to draw the hypothetical lines. And what do they matter anyway? Aren't they just there as an excuse to judge others? I'm sick of judging others, I'm tired of seeking superiority, I just want to be me and enjoy this life I've been given. And so, I start this next year of my life with a different perspective...
And that's where I'm at.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
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