I went to the post office the other day and to my delight, there was a package with my name on it. I brought it home, opened it up and started pulling things out one by one, that is, until I came across a photo album... I picked it up, sat down and gazed it's contents twice over before continuing my search through all the wondrous treasures that were sent to me. As the day went on, my heart grew heavier and heavier, until I finally laid down in my bed and cried as I have not done in years. At first I could not understand what my problem was, then it hit me... Looking through that photo album I saw all the things I'd missed by coming here, birthday parties and babies. The children I adore so much are growing up, getting bigger and smarter and I'm missing it. At that moment, the only thing I wanted to do was to go home. But that wasn't an option, besides, nothing about doing so sat right with me. So what do I do? I pick up the album once more and sob over each and every page, I get to the last page, still sobbing and then I smile... I smile because I realize the root cause of all this pain... it's love!!! I don't close the book, I leave it open to the last page, set it aside and fall asleep. When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I saw was that last page. I picked it up, smiled at it again and then I closed it. I walked through my morning thinking about all the people in the photo album. My heart was still heavy, but the load had lightened considerably and now there was some perspective to its existence which made it a pleasant burden to bear. I know my bouts of depression well enough to know that this is a crucial day. If I do nothing but sit around all day and wallow in my thoughts, the depression will strengthen and then consume me relentlessly for weeks. Instead, I write a crappy little poem, just to acknowledge my feelings, and then I spend the next few hours putting the finishing touches on the christmas ornaments I had cross stitched so that I could decorate the tree that was also sent to me. When I finish, I'm satisfied with the results, just as I know that 10 years from now I will be satisfied with my decision to come here and challenge myself to grow in unimaginable ways.
As for that crappy little poem I wrote, it goes something like this:
They say I should have visions of sugar plums in my head, but instead my head is filled with visions of you when I go to bed.
I love each and every one of you, not because you are my family or because I'm supposed to, but because doing so fills my heart with joy and peace. Your memories bring the sweetest song to my heart, and today, I will sing a song of love for you, knowing that this time next year I will be in your presence.
P.S. Thank you Amy for inspiring me to write something today.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
And Once Again, I'm Soaring
One thing about hitting rock bottom is that there's nowhere to go but up. And up is where I'm headed. Before coming here just over a year ago, I thought I had things figured out. I knew the purest love that can be found on this earth and I could enjoy just being in the presence of the ones' that truly loved me, people that have seen my very worst and still love me more than words could say. I felt an inner peace and a joy that filled my heart so much that I thought I would burst from the inside out. While my feet were planted firmly on the ground, my soul could soar through the heavens to enjoy a better look at this wondrous world. But since coming here, everything changed. Nothing made sense to me anymore and while my mind was trying to figure everything out once again, I lost track of myself. Where once I soared through the sky, I now found myself complaining about anything and everything. The inner peace and joy I once felt so intensely turned into resentment so consuming that I thought I might implode at any moment. I was lost in a sea of negativity and found myself hopeless to rediscover the sea of tranquility that I once aimlessly floated down. There was a deep needing be somebody extraordinary, somebody that could and would leave a lasting impact in this strange new place I've found myself in. I must make the bad go away and replace it with something good that will last forever. That's my mission, right? Well, that certainly is a pompous mission isn't it? Constantly evaluating good and bad; searching for something so bad that it needs to be eliminated from this earth, by ME!? No wonder I can't find inner peace. I've lost myself in my need to find my superior self so that I might accomplish the mission for which I've traveled halfway around the world. Well, I quit that mission!!!!!!!! I am superior to no one. And no more feeling resentment for things I can't possibly understand in an attempt to "change" them, what!? From this point on, I just want to BE in this world, to solve problems as they arise rather than seeking out problems that or may not even exist. Since when am I the authority on right and wrong, good and bad? I know as much as the next person about where to draw the hypothetical lines. And what do they matter anyway? Aren't they just there as an excuse to judge others? I'm sick of judging others, I'm tired of seeking superiority, I just want to be me and enjoy this life I've been given. And so, I start this next year of my life with a different perspective...
And that's where I'm at.
And that's where I'm at.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
My daily life in Africa
Bathing options during summer - we consider ourselves lucky to have a cold shower outside, but sometimes I like to relax in a cold bucket bath on a hot summer day.
Bathing in the winter - after much experimentation and contemplation, I have devised a way to keep warm while bathing in the winter. Materials needed: a 10 gallon boiler which work has borrowed us (SA talk), a spare room that can be closed off, and a nice big bucket. First, boil your bath water with the lid off in the spare room with the door closed. While the water is boiling, the room will fill with steam and cozy warmth. Place your bathing bucket right next to the boiler, fill the bucket with the boiling water, add a little cold water and enjoy. If the water cools off, just add more boiling water.
Making drinking water - Fetch water from outside, boil it, then let it cool for about 4-6 hours, finally put it in the fridge or freezer until chilled.
Washing clothes - fetch water in big bucket, add detergent and clothes, rub stains and arm pits vigorously (my fancy wash board now makes this process easier), let soak longer if needed, transfer clean clothes into smaller bucket to rinse, rinse thoroughly, wring out, hang to dry, pray for no rain and lots of wind, iron everything (especially undies) during mango season (pesky flies like wet clothes to lay eggs in).
Kombies (Taxi) - a mini bus that holds 15 people plus a driver, 4 in the back row, 3 rows of 3 (if you're lucky), then 2 more in the front. Somehow I always end up in the back row. Must be those pushy gogos (grandmas). They sure do have hard elbows.
Grocery shopping - walk to taxi rank, pay R7 to get to Tzaneen, walk about 1,5k to mall, get groceries, walk back to taxi rank with bags, cram into taxi with bags, pay R7 more to get back home, then walk home with bags. Stores charge 30 - 50 cents for plastic bags, so buying a Green Bag is an investment.
Fruit and Veggie stands - we pass about 10 in Nkowankowa on the way to our taxi rank, then over a dozen more at the taxi rank itself, when we arrive in Tzaneen, we are greeted by even more. They sell mangos, lichi, bananas, avocados, tomatoes, cabbage, bell peppers, onions, carrots, and leaves used to make Miroho (greens).
Reality of work - get to work at 8, 8:30, 10 it doesn't really matter because we are on "African time", sit around until our supervisor gets there, have morning song and prayer, then listen to everyone tell their latest news in Sotho (which we don't understand), have tea and buttered bread or atcha (if we're lucky), maybe do some typing or just play on the internet or read books, have lunch (pap and chicken, again), sit around for a few more hours and pray that Margaret doesn't decide at 3 o'clock that we have to type up a proposal that is due now now, hopefully go home at 4.
Things we don't throw away - water bottles, tin foil, ziplock bags, jars, rubber bands, cardboard boxes, bags, plastic containers.
Being resourceful - chairs are used as a computer desk and night stand, while boxes become drawers for clothes, DVD holders, and file organizers. Beer bottles make great book ends, and tupperware makes a nice a spice rack. Jars are used to store dry goods and the big yogurt containers can be used as bowls or storage containers for left-overs.
Things we have that most volunteers don't have - cold shower, 11 flush toilets outside, a 4 room house all to ourself, a stove and a fridge in our kitchen (which is a room to itself), and a spare room with a spare bed for company.
Things we don't have that every house in America has - running water, garbage can, TV (Godfrey took his back), couch and/or recliner, bathroom, closets, AC and heater, kitchen counter. But we do have a computer with internet.
Things we have that most houses in America don't have - chamber pot, asbestos ceiling, concrete walls and floors.
Things you see walking down the street - Women sweeping their yards, breast-feeding, razor wire everywhere, men peeing, women carrying anything and everything on their heads and babies on their backs, boys playing in the street with deflated balls, and the most beautiful landscapes in every direction.
Bathing in the winter - after much experimentation and contemplation, I have devised a way to keep warm while bathing in the winter. Materials needed: a 10 gallon boiler which work has borrowed us (SA talk), a spare room that can be closed off, and a nice big bucket. First, boil your bath water with the lid off in the spare room with the door closed. While the water is boiling, the room will fill with steam and cozy warmth. Place your bathing bucket right next to the boiler, fill the bucket with the boiling water, add a little cold water and enjoy. If the water cools off, just add more boiling water.
Making drinking water - Fetch water from outside, boil it, then let it cool for about 4-6 hours, finally put it in the fridge or freezer until chilled.
Washing clothes - fetch water in big bucket, add detergent and clothes, rub stains and arm pits vigorously (my fancy wash board now makes this process easier), let soak longer if needed, transfer clean clothes into smaller bucket to rinse, rinse thoroughly, wring out, hang to dry, pray for no rain and lots of wind, iron everything (especially undies) during mango season (pesky flies like wet clothes to lay eggs in).
Kombies (Taxi) - a mini bus that holds 15 people plus a driver, 4 in the back row, 3 rows of 3 (if you're lucky), then 2 more in the front. Somehow I always end up in the back row. Must be those pushy gogos (grandmas). They sure do have hard elbows.
Grocery shopping - walk to taxi rank, pay R7 to get to Tzaneen, walk about 1,5k to mall, get groceries, walk back to taxi rank with bags, cram into taxi with bags, pay R7 more to get back home, then walk home with bags. Stores charge 30 - 50 cents for plastic bags, so buying a Green Bag is an investment.
Fruit and Veggie stands - we pass about 10 in Nkowankowa on the way to our taxi rank, then over a dozen more at the taxi rank itself, when we arrive in Tzaneen, we are greeted by even more. They sell mangos, lichi, bananas, avocados, tomatoes, cabbage, bell peppers, onions, carrots, and leaves used to make Miroho (greens).
Reality of work - get to work at 8, 8:30, 10 it doesn't really matter because we are on "African time", sit around until our supervisor gets there, have morning song and prayer, then listen to everyone tell their latest news in Sotho (which we don't understand), have tea and buttered bread or atcha (if we're lucky), maybe do some typing or just play on the internet or read books, have lunch (pap and chicken, again), sit around for a few more hours and pray that Margaret doesn't decide at 3 o'clock that we have to type up a proposal that is due now now, hopefully go home at 4.
Things we don't throw away - water bottles, tin foil, ziplock bags, jars, rubber bands, cardboard boxes, bags, plastic containers.
Being resourceful - chairs are used as a computer desk and night stand, while boxes become drawers for clothes, DVD holders, and file organizers. Beer bottles make great book ends, and tupperware makes a nice a spice rack. Jars are used to store dry goods and the big yogurt containers can be used as bowls or storage containers for left-overs.
Things we have that most volunteers don't have - cold shower, 11 flush toilets outside, a 4 room house all to ourself, a stove and a fridge in our kitchen (which is a room to itself), and a spare room with a spare bed for company.
Things we don't have that every house in America has - running water, garbage can, TV (Godfrey took his back), couch and/or recliner, bathroom, closets, AC and heater, kitchen counter. But we do have a computer with internet.
Things we have that most houses in America don't have - chamber pot, asbestos ceiling, concrete walls and floors.
Things you see walking down the street - Women sweeping their yards, breast-feeding, razor wire everywhere, men peeing, women carrying anything and everything on their heads and babies on their backs, boys playing in the street with deflated balls, and the most beautiful landscapes in every direction.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
How Far Will My Hiking Boots Go?*
So far: 219.1K (136 miles)
used for warmth during our first month in SA: 30K
hike to Botswana border: 25K
day hikes through Cathedral Peak 15K
our first overnight hike ever: Blyde River Canyon Trail 30K
followed by a half marathon through the Longtom Pass 21.1K
another overnight hike through the lovely Magobaskloof 20K
hiking around Hatfield: lets just say 30K
walking in the wintertime: 48K
for the future: we are working up to the magnificent 4 night Otter Trail along the Garden Route and just maybe to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro to see the glaciers before they melt away completely.
*I have decided to keep a running tally on how far I walk in my hiking boots, which means that I will be updating this post regularly. However, this number will not be exact as I use both my boots and chacos while hiking since boots are not always best when wading through rivers.
used for warmth during our first month in SA: 30K
hike to Botswana border: 25K
day hikes through Cathedral Peak 15K
our first overnight hike ever: Blyde River Canyon Trail 30K
followed by a half marathon through the Longtom Pass 21.1K
another overnight hike through the lovely Magobaskloof 20K
hiking around Hatfield: lets just say 30K
walking in the wintertime: 48K
for the future: we are working up to the magnificent 4 night Otter Trail along the Garden Route and just maybe to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro to see the glaciers before they melt away completely.
*I have decided to keep a running tally on how far I walk in my hiking boots, which means that I will be updating this post regularly. However, this number will not be exact as I use both my boots and chacos while hiking since boots are not always best when wading through rivers.
Picked Up by the Police
We woke up in a Nelspruit backpackers on a crisp fall morning. Nelspruit is a tourist town near one of the main gates of Kruger National Park, which means that Nelspruit is also a tough town. We know this because the first time we got off a coombie(minibus/taxi) there we were greeted by the 'tourist safety monitors' warning us to safer places. This is not the first time we'd heard the speech: Your shouldn't be here! You will be robbed or killed! While taxi ranks do tend to be very chaotic places, we've managed to escaped trouble by being ever vigilant and aware of our surroundings. This particular morning we are headed back to our township, which means that we have to go to the taxi rank. We decided to save the R40 by walking the 3k to the rank instead of calling a cab since we are seriously short on funds. We shouldn't be as broke as we are, but prices keep going up while our living allowance stays the same. This is our 3rd trip to Nelspruit so we know how to get from the taxi rank to the backpackers, where to eat and buy groceries, and where to catch a coombie to the cinema. After walking about 2K, we were on what could have been a dangerous street if there had been more people out, when we noticed a truck backing up. Before they even stopped, we knew what they wanted. They wanted to warn us. Do you know where you are? Where are you going? You will be robbed or killed! I braced myself and readied my reassurances when a cop stepped out of the truck. He gives us the speech in a harsh, demanding cop tone that I do not appreciate before offering to give us a ride the rest of the way to the rank. For times sake we accept the ride and hop in, even though I don't like this guys attitude. After asking us where the taxi rank is (What!? They don't know!?) the two cops started speaking to each other in Africaans (white man's language) probably about how stupid we are when I noticed the driver use the k word (equilivant to the n work back home). I felt my ears burn as I looked out the window and saw all the faces from the street staring at me as though I was a traitor. I suddenly felt ashamed and wished I was no longer in this cops truck. When we got to the taxi rank, my thoughts changed, now my concern was that if people saw us get out of this racist cops car, they would see us as the enemy rather than just stupid white people. Simultaneously the driver became over come with fear for us and decided they would drive us 200k to Acornhoek (which is the end of their jurisdiction). Once again we accept. Why? For one, to save on money and two, you never know how long it will take for a coombie to fill up and we would have to catch two before Acornhoek. On the drive, I decided to sit quietly in the corner so as not to reveal my true feelings to these two men. But that's fine because Jaceson was doing a great job making conversation with them. I loved the way Jaceson turns the focus to the condition of the coombies and the speed of the drivers when the cops started talking about the dangers of riding them. For the first hour this was how it went, I only spoke when Jaceson asked questions about the details of his stories. We should be about half way there when they stop to get cold drink (soda) and dryboers (dehydrated sausage). I could no longer keep to myself as we stood around the truck enjoying our snacks and cigarettes. I was drawn into conversation about where we're from and what's America like? After riding with them for several hours, I forgot that I don't like them and was forced to acknowledge all their kindnesses towards us. When we got to the taxi rank in Acornhoek, they parked across the street and I found myself relieved as my earlier fears of being seen getting out of this truck had come back to me. We got their names and numbers before waving goodbye with a sincere smile on our face and gratitude in our hearts. When we got on the coombie to Tzaneen, we were given a test. A drunk guy named Geoge spoke to us in Africaans. It's best that we didn't understand and a shocked drunk Geoge (who will be sitting right behind us for the next 2 hours) immediately wanted to be Jaceson's best friend and requested a wife swap. Such is life!
Greetings
Dear Family and Friends,
After much consideration I have decided to start this blog so that you may all keep track of me and my adventures while I'm so far from home. Unfortunately I will not be completely honest in this blog as I am working for an organization and I don't want to get tangled up in its red tape. Also I may alter certain details of my tales to minimize the ever present parental concerns. Now that you know that you will not find the whole truth and nothing but truth here, let me also warn you that you will be subjected to my amateur writing skills and quite possibly a few deep thought rambles.
As you may or may not know, I've been away from home for almost 10 months now. And while only some of you know most of my story and most of you know only some of my story, I cannot start at the beginning or this blog will never catch up to the present and I have no desire to constantly live in the past. So I will start this at the present, but may occasionally refer to the past. With that being said...
...Welcome to my blog!
After much consideration I have decided to start this blog so that you may all keep track of me and my adventures while I'm so far from home. Unfortunately I will not be completely honest in this blog as I am working for an organization and I don't want to get tangled up in its red tape. Also I may alter certain details of my tales to minimize the ever present parental concerns. Now that you know that you will not find the whole truth and nothing but truth here, let me also warn you that you will be subjected to my amateur writing skills and quite possibly a few deep thought rambles.
As you may or may not know, I've been away from home for almost 10 months now. And while only some of you know most of my story and most of you know only some of my story, I cannot start at the beginning or this blog will never catch up to the present and I have no desire to constantly live in the past. So I will start this at the present, but may occasionally refer to the past. With that being said...
...Welcome to my blog!
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